Finding my way

I am sitting here in the chair, port activated, feet bristling with green topped needles, and hands full of spot needles. Yuxi is such a sweetheart. And so is Kirk, who is the nurse in charge of my treatment today. Later Jamie will come and give me a magic footrub. Everyone here is so kind. They do every little thing to make it easier. Still, though, chemo has stolen so much from me.

It’s hard to say what has been the most difficult to give up. I haven’t driven since I started chemo. My brain doesn’t work the way it used to. I am not at all sure what my response time would be. Independence is a pretty big thing to lose. My stamina is not what it used to be. I look at the cluttered counter and the dirty sink, at the tomatoes on the vine, and I say, later. As I sink into my recliner, I forget. I close my eyes and it all goes away as I drift off to sleep. Drifting off comes at random times, often when I don’t want it. If I find something interesting on TV, I am likely to fall asleep about 15 or 20 minutes in. Mind you, I watch mostly YouTube, so much of what I watch is educational. I must admit to watching plenty of silly stuff too.

When I was growing up, my favorite place was the Idaho Falls Public Library. Summer was heaven when we had swimming lessons. The library was only a couple of blocks from the swimming pool, so Mom would often take us to the library on the way home. I happily read my way through the children’s section downstairs. I didn’t spend much time on the picture books. The chapter books were much more interesting. I was so happy when I was finally allowed to go upstairs and read the grownup books. I found many of the great writers on my own there. I loved to disappear into another world, another time. Chemo has stolen that for now too. I can’t concentrate enough to follow a story line. This, I think has been the hardest thing. After today’s chemo infusion and the next few weeks, I will slowly get it back. And for that I am truly grateful.